Our family has experienced our share of grief and loss over the past couple of years. We know something of what it means to lose someone (or several someones) very dear, and we know the comfort that comes with the love and support of friends and family. We also know that sometimes, people can say hurtful things without realizing it. Most of the time, when someone says something that hurts a grieving person, it is out of ignorance or misunderstanding. However, knowing that does not necessarily make it hurt any less.
With the following suggestions, I do not mean to make anyone feel like they have done anything wrong by trying to encourage a grieving friend. Please understand that this is meant to educate those who would like to help a friend who has experienced a loss. A little knowledge in this area can go a long way. We have learned from personal experience that certain things can be helpful to hear, and others are not helpful.
Some things that it is better not to say to a friend who is grieving a loss:
"She (or he) is in a better place." While this is true for those who pass away in Christ, it is not always helpful for those left behind to hear this, especially in the days immediately following their loved one's death. The thought of this will become a comfort eventually, but at first it just tends to make the grieving person feel guilty for missing their loved one, as if their grief is selfish.
"At least you didn't know her yet. It would have been harder if she had been older." This is specifically referring to someone who has experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. A comment like this to someone who has lost a baby diminishes the loss and shows a lack of understanding on the part of the one giving the comment. Losing one's child, no matter whether that child was two weeks old or twenty five years old, is still a very deep loss, as anyone who has experienced it can testify. It is probably the hardest loss one can experience, because along with the life of your child, you lose a part of yourself and a part of your future and your dreams for that child. One does not expect to ever have to bury their own child. In the case of stillbirth or infant death, not only are you grieving the baby, but also what "might have been" and all the hopes and dreams you had of who this little one would be.
"Just keep busy and you will feel better." There is a lot to do and think about in the aftermath of a death, and keeping busy is not necessarily a choice. At some point, though, the grieving person must stop and face the loss and come to terms with it. This involves time for quiet reflection and trying to avoid it will simply prolong the process.
"Are you still sad about that? You need to get over it." This minimized the pain of grief, and the fact that it takes time (sometimes a very long time) to heal from a loss. No one can tell another person how long they should take to grieve.
"I know exactly how you feel. When my cat/dog/uncle's friend's cousin died, it was really hard on me." Again, this is in reference to the loss of a child or parent or sibling (our family experienced all three within a six month period). Unless you have experienced the same type of loss, you do not know exactly what it feels like. Don't convince yourself that you do, because you will not be helping your grieving friend by comparing the death of his or her child or parent to you losing your pet. It is not the same thing.
"God must be punishing you for something." To me, it seems pretty obvious that this would not be an appropriate thing to say to someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one. It is important to remember that none of us is in the place to judge why God is doing something in the life of someone else. He has his own purposes. We cannot know His mind, and we shouldn't try to guess what He is doing. Also, making the loss about what the grieving person did to deserve God's punishment devalues the life of the one who has passed away.
What should you say instead?
By far the most helpful thing that was said to us was "I'm so sorry for your loss." While it may seem unoriginal to you, each time your friend hears it will mean so much to them. Just having the loss acknowledged and knowing that someone cares about how it is affecting them can help the grieving person tremendously.
If you don't know what to say, be honest about that with your friend. Some of the most touching comments we received were when someone would tearfully admit, "I just don't know what to say." Their honesty and their willingness to weep with us moved us greatly.
Tell your friend you are praying for them and their family, but only if you really are praying for them. We could tell when someone's offer of prayer was sincere and we could also tell those who said they would pray just because it seemed like the right thing to say. If you say it, make sure you mean it.
Sometimes, all your grieving friend needs is someone to talk to. That someone needs to be trustworthy and the grieving person needs to know that what they say in a moment of pain will not be turned around and used against them in the future.
If you are going to share scripture with your friend, chose a passage that is reassuring, such as a Psalm or a portion of Job. A passage that focuses on the comfort and peace God brings can be helpful, while a passage about God's judgment and wrath would not be helpful in this particular instance.
If your friend lost a child, mention the child by name. At times, a grieving parent aches to hear the name of their son or daughter said aloud. Even months and years later, if an opportunity presents itself, mention that you were thinking of the child and say the child's name. It will bring such comfort to the heart of the grieving parent to know that their child has not been forgotten.
Bringing comfort to someone who is grieving does not have to be complicated. Just let them know you care and that their sorrow brings you sorrow as well. Love and compassion can help a hurting heart and encourage a weary soul.
