Our journey toward adoption started about three years ago with a prompting from God's Spirit. It gradually came upon us that adoption was something we should consider. We began researching adoption on the internet. It was overwhelming to discover the shear volume of information available on the internet in regards to adoption! A search on Amazon.com revealed several popular books on the topic of adoption, leading us to purchase some, which I (Kim) very promptly read. One book in particular, Adopted for Life by Russell Moore, spoke to my heart in a very deep way. Sharing what I had learned with Gilbert, we discussed our thoughts on the idea of bringing children into our home in this way. We both felt absolutely sure that God was calling us to do this, but the question became the timing. We knew it was something we would be doing in the near future, but it did not feel like the right time yet.
Through the years that followed, we talked often of our dream to adopt. We read more and did more research into our options. We talked with some of our friends who had adopted. We prayed for God's leading and for Him to show us when the timing was right to begin the process.
We were drawn to international adoption, mainly because of the realization that there are 163 million orphaned children around the world waiting for families. There are so many children in need, we found ourselves wanting to be the family for some of these little ones.
About three months ago, while looking at a photolisting of waiting children (children available for adoption, but not easy to place in homes because of certain physical conditions or simply because they are older than toddler age or are part of a sibling group) on the website Rainbowkids.com, we came across a listing for a sibling group of three little ones ages 1, 3 and 5 years old. We called the agency that had listed them to discuss their requirements for adopting these children. We were informed that the agency was not willing to work with us because of our family size. So we contacted several more agencies, asking them many questions about their requirements for adoptive families and about the adoption process in general. One particular agency stood out from the others, and so we began the application process with them. We finally felt like now was the time to pursue what we had been dreaming about for all those years. We started our homestudy process as well. The homestudy must be done by a licensed agency within the adoptive family's state. Our homestudy agency has been highly recommended by several families we know who have adopted in recent years.
Filling out the paperwork for both the homestudy agency and the placement agency, collecting the necessary documents (proof of income, birth certificates, marriage license, etc.) took us about three weeks. Before we had even completed the paperwork portion of the process, our case worker from our placement agency told us about a brother and sister in Ghana who were available for adoption. She sent us all the information the agency had on them at that time. She also sent us their pictures. The little faces in the pictures looked so sad, I couldn't imagine what they had already experienced in their young lives. The hearts of our entire family were stirred toward these two children.
In the adoption process, being matched with a child is called getting a referral. When we officially accept the referral, which me must do within a matter of days from now, we must also send in the first agency fee of $9,400. We were not expecting the referral so quickly, and do not have the full amount at this time. We simply do not have the funds needed. We are in the process of selling some things, which should raise a portion of that first fee amount. We have also received some donations, which will help. One delightful aspect of this is that our children have each made their own donation to our adoption fund in proportion to their personal resources. Even our five year old son has proudly made a contribution. What a joy it has been to see them all so committed to bringing these two little ones into our family!
Once we have accepted the referral, we must send in the necessary forms to be approved by the United States Citizenship and Immigration Service (USCIS) to adopt internationally. Then we must submit our dossier, a packet of documents sent to the Ghanaian government, petitioning them for approval for the adoption of these children. At the time we send the dossier, we will need to send the next fee of $9,000. This step in the process will come about four weeks after the referral is accepted.
The next step is to travel to meet the children and go through the court process to officially adopt them. Then we return home without them to wait for the US Embassy in Ghana to issue their visas. That is also when the remaining $10,000 agency fee will be due. At that point, we will again travel to Ghana, this time to bring the children home with us. What a happy day that will be! In the midst of concerns over funding and mountains of paperwork, we are trying to keep our eyes fixed on that day.
We expect the process to take several months to complete. Please pray with us for these children and for the funds to bring them home to us. God has touched our hearts for these children and we are stepping out in faith, trusting that he will provide the means to make this possible.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
What Not to Say to a Grieving Friend
Our family has experienced our share of grief and loss over the past couple of years. We know something of what it means to lose someone (or several someones) very dear, and we know the comfort that comes with the love and support of friends and family. We also know that sometimes, people can say hurtful things without realizing it. Most of the time, when someone says something that hurts a grieving person, it is out of ignorance or misunderstanding. However, knowing that does not necessarily make it hurt any less.
With the following suggestions, I do not mean to make anyone feel like they have done anything wrong by trying to encourage a grieving friend. Please understand that this is meant to educate those who would like to help a friend who has experienced a loss. A little knowledge in this area can go a long way. We have learned from personal experience that certain things can be helpful to hear, and others are not helpful.
Some things that it is better not to say to a friend who is grieving a loss:
"She (or he) is in a better place." While this is true for those who pass away in Christ, it is not always helpful for those left behind to hear this, especially in the days immediately following their loved one's death. The thought of this will become a comfort eventually, but at first it just tends to make the grieving person feel guilty for missing their loved one, as if their grief is selfish.
"At least you didn't know her yet. It would have been harder if she had been older." This is specifically referring to someone who has experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. A comment like this to someone who has lost a baby diminishes the loss and shows a lack of understanding on the part of the one giving the comment. Losing one's child, no matter whether that child was two weeks old or twenty five years old, is still a very deep loss, as anyone who has experienced it can testify. It is probably the hardest loss one can experience, because along with the life of your child, you lose a part of yourself and a part of your future and your dreams for that child. One does not expect to ever have to bury their own child. In the case of stillbirth or infant death, not only are you grieving the baby, but also what "might have been" and all the hopes and dreams you had of who this little one would be.
"Just keep busy and you will feel better." There is a lot to do and think about in the aftermath of a death, and keeping busy is not necessarily a choice. At some point, though, the grieving person must stop and face the loss and come to terms with it. This involves time for quiet reflection and trying to avoid it will simply prolong the process.
"Are you still sad about that? You need to get over it." This minimized the pain of grief, and the fact that it takes time (sometimes a very long time) to heal from a loss. No one can tell another person how long they should take to grieve.
"I know exactly how you feel. When my cat/dog/uncle's friend's cousin died, it was really hard on me." Again, this is in reference to the loss of a child or parent or sibling (our family experienced all three within a six month period). Unless you have experienced the same type of loss, you do not know exactly what it feels like. Don't convince yourself that you do, because you will not be helping your grieving friend by comparing the death of his or her child or parent to you losing your pet. It is not the same thing.
"God must be punishing you for something." To me, it seems pretty obvious that this would not be an appropriate thing to say to someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one. It is important to remember that none of us is in the place to judge why God is doing something in the life of someone else. He has his own purposes. We cannot know His mind, and we shouldn't try to guess what He is doing. Also, making the loss about what the grieving person did to deserve God's punishment devalues the life of the one who has passed away.
What should you say instead?
By far the most helpful thing that was said to us was "I'm so sorry for your loss." While it may seem unoriginal to you, each time your friend hears it will mean so much to them. Just having the loss acknowledged and knowing that someone cares about how it is affecting them can help the grieving person tremendously.
If you don't know what to say, be honest about that with your friend. Some of the most touching comments we received were when someone would tearfully admit, "I just don't know what to say." Their honesty and their willingness to weep with us moved us greatly.
Tell your friend you are praying for them and their family, but only if you really are praying for them. We could tell when someone's offer of prayer was sincere and we could also tell those who said they would pray just because it seemed like the right thing to say. If you say it, make sure you mean it.
Sometimes, all your grieving friend needs is someone to talk to. That someone needs to be trustworthy and the grieving person needs to know that what they say in a moment of pain will not be turned around and used against them in the future.
If you are going to share scripture with your friend, chose a passage that is reassuring, such as a Psalm or a portion of Job. A passage that focuses on the comfort and peace God brings can be helpful, while a passage about God's judgment and wrath would not be helpful in this particular instance.
If your friend lost a child, mention the child by name. At times, a grieving parent aches to hear the name of their son or daughter said aloud. Even months and years later, if an opportunity presents itself, mention that you were thinking of the child and say the child's name. It will bring such comfort to the heart of the grieving parent to know that their child has not been forgotten.
Bringing comfort to someone who is grieving does not have to be complicated. Just let them know you care and that their sorrow brings you sorrow as well. Love and compassion can help a hurting heart and encourage a weary soul.
With the following suggestions, I do not mean to make anyone feel like they have done anything wrong by trying to encourage a grieving friend. Please understand that this is meant to educate those who would like to help a friend who has experienced a loss. A little knowledge in this area can go a long way. We have learned from personal experience that certain things can be helpful to hear, and others are not helpful.
Some things that it is better not to say to a friend who is grieving a loss:
"She (or he) is in a better place." While this is true for those who pass away in Christ, it is not always helpful for those left behind to hear this, especially in the days immediately following their loved one's death. The thought of this will become a comfort eventually, but at first it just tends to make the grieving person feel guilty for missing their loved one, as if their grief is selfish.
"At least you didn't know her yet. It would have been harder if she had been older." This is specifically referring to someone who has experienced a stillbirth or infant loss. A comment like this to someone who has lost a baby diminishes the loss and shows a lack of understanding on the part of the one giving the comment. Losing one's child, no matter whether that child was two weeks old or twenty five years old, is still a very deep loss, as anyone who has experienced it can testify. It is probably the hardest loss one can experience, because along with the life of your child, you lose a part of yourself and a part of your future and your dreams for that child. One does not expect to ever have to bury their own child. In the case of stillbirth or infant death, not only are you grieving the baby, but also what "might have been" and all the hopes and dreams you had of who this little one would be.
"Just keep busy and you will feel better." There is a lot to do and think about in the aftermath of a death, and keeping busy is not necessarily a choice. At some point, though, the grieving person must stop and face the loss and come to terms with it. This involves time for quiet reflection and trying to avoid it will simply prolong the process.
"Are you still sad about that? You need to get over it." This minimized the pain of grief, and the fact that it takes time (sometimes a very long time) to heal from a loss. No one can tell another person how long they should take to grieve.
"I know exactly how you feel. When my cat/dog/uncle's friend's cousin died, it was really hard on me." Again, this is in reference to the loss of a child or parent or sibling (our family experienced all three within a six month period). Unless you have experienced the same type of loss, you do not know exactly what it feels like. Don't convince yourself that you do, because you will not be helping your grieving friend by comparing the death of his or her child or parent to you losing your pet. It is not the same thing.
"God must be punishing you for something." To me, it seems pretty obvious that this would not be an appropriate thing to say to someone who is suffering the loss of a loved one. It is important to remember that none of us is in the place to judge why God is doing something in the life of someone else. He has his own purposes. We cannot know His mind, and we shouldn't try to guess what He is doing. Also, making the loss about what the grieving person did to deserve God's punishment devalues the life of the one who has passed away.
What should you say instead?
By far the most helpful thing that was said to us was "I'm so sorry for your loss." While it may seem unoriginal to you, each time your friend hears it will mean so much to them. Just having the loss acknowledged and knowing that someone cares about how it is affecting them can help the grieving person tremendously.
If you don't know what to say, be honest about that with your friend. Some of the most touching comments we received were when someone would tearfully admit, "I just don't know what to say." Their honesty and their willingness to weep with us moved us greatly.
Tell your friend you are praying for them and their family, but only if you really are praying for them. We could tell when someone's offer of prayer was sincere and we could also tell those who said they would pray just because it seemed like the right thing to say. If you say it, make sure you mean it.
Sometimes, all your grieving friend needs is someone to talk to. That someone needs to be trustworthy and the grieving person needs to know that what they say in a moment of pain will not be turned around and used against them in the future.
If you are going to share scripture with your friend, chose a passage that is reassuring, such as a Psalm or a portion of Job. A passage that focuses on the comfort and peace God brings can be helpful, while a passage about God's judgment and wrath would not be helpful in this particular instance.
If your friend lost a child, mention the child by name. At times, a grieving parent aches to hear the name of their son or daughter said aloud. Even months and years later, if an opportunity presents itself, mention that you were thinking of the child and say the child's name. It will bring such comfort to the heart of the grieving parent to know that their child has not been forgotten.
Bringing comfort to someone who is grieving does not have to be complicated. Just let them know you care and that their sorrow brings you sorrow as well. Love and compassion can help a hurting heart and encourage a weary soul.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Will You Help?
Adoption is a beautiful picture of the Gospel, how God takes a stranger and makes him or her into His child. There are so many references to adoption in the Bible. God's call is upon all Christians to care for widows and orphans. Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone is called to care for orphans in some way. That could mean giving of time, money or resources to help another family to adopt.
Our family will be adopting two orphans from Ghana, West Africa. Ghana is considered a developing nation, though much of the country still lives in extreme poverty. Many children in Ghana will not eat today because they are too poor. Many are left alone because of the death of one or both parents due to disease or illness. Our deep desire is to bring just two of these little ones into our home, to love and nurture them as our own for the glory of God.
Will you help us to be able to do this? International adoption is very costly. We are in need of immediate funds to move this adoption forward. One way you can help is by going to our fundraising page at Coupaide.com. Check out the amazing deal you can get on restaurant gift e-certificate. You'll be helping us raise money for our adoption, and saving money on eating out at the same time. It's a win/win! You can find it here: http://coupaide.com/deal/
If you would like to simply give a donation, you can do so through the Paypal donation link in the sidebar.
Our family will be adopting two orphans from Ghana, West Africa. Ghana is considered a developing nation, though much of the country still lives in extreme poverty. Many children in Ghana will not eat today because they are too poor. Many are left alone because of the death of one or both parents due to disease or illness. Our deep desire is to bring just two of these little ones into our home, to love and nurture them as our own for the glory of God.
Will you help us to be able to do this? International adoption is very costly. We are in need of immediate funds to move this adoption forward. One way you can help is by going to our fundraising page at Coupaide.com. Check out the amazing deal you can get on restaurant gift e-certificate. You'll be helping us raise money for our adoption, and saving money on eating out at the same time. It's a win/win! You can find it here: http://coupaide.com/deal/
If you would like to simply give a donation, you can do so through the Paypal donation link in the sidebar.
Mud Season and Maple Syrup Means Spring MUST Be Coming
Signs of early spring around our house:
the mud in the driveway is over the tops of my shoes
Gilbert has spent every Saturday for the past month at the sap house
the jugs of maple syrup are starting to line up on the pantry shelves
I have to vacuum the mudroom several times a day just to keep from getting my socks black when I walk in there
Yes, spring is definitely here!
Of course, the fresh snowfall last night makes one begin to wonder....
the mud in the driveway is over the tops of my shoes
Gilbert has spent every Saturday for the past month at the sap house
the jugs of maple syrup are starting to line up on the pantry shelves
I have to vacuum the mudroom several times a day just to keep from getting my socks black when I walk in there
Yes, spring is definitely here!
Of course, the fresh snowfall last night makes one begin to wonder....
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Now Where Is He Taking Us Next?
About three years ago, God placed a desire deep in our hearts. That desire was born of a transformation that had been taking place slowly but steadily within our family. We began to see a need we have never considered before. God stirred our hearts to do something about that need. But the timing was no yet right. There was some work He needed to do in us first.
The desire and call in our hearts was to adopt children. At first is was not clear to us what that would look like, but as we moved forward and as we walked through the trials and circumstances God brought to us, we began to see more clearly the direction He wanted to take us.
We have begun the process to adopt a sibling group of two from Ghana in West Africa. Our entire family is in fervent prayer and excited anticipation over this plan. We have signed on with an agency, our homestudy process has begun, and we have been matched with these two precious little ones.
It is a big step to decide to adopt internationally. Will you pray with us that God will provide the resources needed to make this happen in His time?
The desire and call in our hearts was to adopt children. At first is was not clear to us what that would look like, but as we moved forward and as we walked through the trials and circumstances God brought to us, we began to see more clearly the direction He wanted to take us.
We have begun the process to adopt a sibling group of two from Ghana in West Africa. Our entire family is in fervent prayer and excited anticipation over this plan. We have signed on with an agency, our homestudy process has begun, and we have been matched with these two precious little ones.
It is a big step to decide to adopt internationally. Will you pray with us that God will provide the resources needed to make this happen in His time?
Where God Has Taken Us
Life is a journey full of unexpected twists and turns. Though we never know what is beyond the next bend in the road, God does, for which I am very thankful. He also has a reason for each event in each life and I have learned from experience that He is faithful. He can be trusted to carry us through even the most dark and difficult of circumstances. We can follow Him through the valleys, knowing that He will guide us and when we stumble along the way, He will pick us up again.
The summer, fall and winter of 2011 and into the beginning months of 2012 was just such a time for our family. We found ourselves in the midst of a season of affliction. God had called us to walk through a very dark valley, and we learned to trust Him in a whole new way, walking by faith with the belief that though we did not understand what He was doing, His will was best and we must simply follow Him. That was not an easy thing to do, but He did prove Himself worthy of this trust time and time again.
In late August of 2011, nine months pregnant with our sixth child, I began to notice a decrease in the baby's movements over the course of two or three days. It had been an otherwise healthy and normal pregnancy. The midwife, after carefully observing the baby's heartbeat for an extended period of time, assured us that there did not seem to be cause for concern, but I could not shake the feeling that something was not right. By the middle of the following day, I had stopped feeling any movements at all. When the midwife came to check on the heartbeat again, there was only silence. An ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. The baby, at 38 weeks of pregnancy, had died.
Heartbroken does not begin to describe how our family felt as we faced this loss. Grief and sorrow washed over us as we faced the reality of the situation. After 18 agonizing hours of labor, I delivered my stillborn daughter into the compassionate hands of our midwife. Beautiful, perfectly formed, the body of our baby daughter lay without movement in my arms as her father and I wept over her. We named her Olivia Hope, firmly believing that we have the hope of seeing her in Heaven, of touching her and hugging her and telling her all the things we would have if she had been here with us. We have hope in the resurrection--that one day we will see that precious, beautifully formed body transformed into an incorruptible one, which death and decay will never touch again.
Seven weeks later, another loss visited our family when my sister passed away after a prolonged illness which resulted from a brain aneurysm. Sorrow upon sorrow. Unbelievably, six weeks after this loss, my husband Gilbert's stepfather also passed away. Thus, in just three months time, our children had faced the death of their baby sister, their aunt, and their grandfather. And yet, God was still faithful.
Because Gilbert's mother suffered from Alzheimer's, we moved her in with his brother and his wife, who lived next door to us. During the daytime, the children and I would go and sit with her while my brother-in-law and his wife were at work. What a precious time of memory building for my children! I am so thankful to the Lord for this time they had to spend with her, especially since only a few weeks later, she was killed in a head-on collision with a car driven by a man who had had his driver's license permanently revoked for drunk-driving. Gilbert's brother, who was driving the car in which his mother was a passenger, was badly injured in the accident as well. And yet, God was still faithful.
Four major losses in the span of six months time. Sorrow upon sorrow. God's goodness displayed in the love and support of so many around us. God's compassionate care over our family ever evident in our own hearts. Grief and grace mingled together.
Since that time, healing has begun to come to each of our hearts. We have learned deep and valuable lessons through these circumstances. I know without a doubt that my God is with me and His sustaining grace can bring me through anything He places before me. And I know that joy comes again after a season of sorrow.
After an emotionally trying pregnancy, our seventh baby was born last September, a year and two weeks after we lost his sister. He is such a delight to our entire family. His name means "God gives strength", which He certainly did give us as we followed Him through the waters of affliction. He has taken us to places we would not have chosen to go, but He has brought us blessings that would not have come by any other path.
And God is still faithful.
The summer, fall and winter of 2011 and into the beginning months of 2012 was just such a time for our family. We found ourselves in the midst of a season of affliction. God had called us to walk through a very dark valley, and we learned to trust Him in a whole new way, walking by faith with the belief that though we did not understand what He was doing, His will was best and we must simply follow Him. That was not an easy thing to do, but He did prove Himself worthy of this trust time and time again.
In late August of 2011, nine months pregnant with our sixth child, I began to notice a decrease in the baby's movements over the course of two or three days. It had been an otherwise healthy and normal pregnancy. The midwife, after carefully observing the baby's heartbeat for an extended period of time, assured us that there did not seem to be cause for concern, but I could not shake the feeling that something was not right. By the middle of the following day, I had stopped feeling any movements at all. When the midwife came to check on the heartbeat again, there was only silence. An ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. The baby, at 38 weeks of pregnancy, had died.
Heartbroken does not begin to describe how our family felt as we faced this loss. Grief and sorrow washed over us as we faced the reality of the situation. After 18 agonizing hours of labor, I delivered my stillborn daughter into the compassionate hands of our midwife. Beautiful, perfectly formed, the body of our baby daughter lay without movement in my arms as her father and I wept over her. We named her Olivia Hope, firmly believing that we have the hope of seeing her in Heaven, of touching her and hugging her and telling her all the things we would have if she had been here with us. We have hope in the resurrection--that one day we will see that precious, beautifully formed body transformed into an incorruptible one, which death and decay will never touch again.
Seven weeks later, another loss visited our family when my sister passed away after a prolonged illness which resulted from a brain aneurysm. Sorrow upon sorrow. Unbelievably, six weeks after this loss, my husband Gilbert's stepfather also passed away. Thus, in just three months time, our children had faced the death of their baby sister, their aunt, and their grandfather. And yet, God was still faithful.
Because Gilbert's mother suffered from Alzheimer's, we moved her in with his brother and his wife, who lived next door to us. During the daytime, the children and I would go and sit with her while my brother-in-law and his wife were at work. What a precious time of memory building for my children! I am so thankful to the Lord for this time they had to spend with her, especially since only a few weeks later, she was killed in a head-on collision with a car driven by a man who had had his driver's license permanently revoked for drunk-driving. Gilbert's brother, who was driving the car in which his mother was a passenger, was badly injured in the accident as well. And yet, God was still faithful.
Four major losses in the span of six months time. Sorrow upon sorrow. God's goodness displayed in the love and support of so many around us. God's compassionate care over our family ever evident in our own hearts. Grief and grace mingled together.
Since that time, healing has begun to come to each of our hearts. We have learned deep and valuable lessons through these circumstances. I know without a doubt that my God is with me and His sustaining grace can bring me through anything He places before me. And I know that joy comes again after a season of sorrow.
After an emotionally trying pregnancy, our seventh baby was born last September, a year and two weeks after we lost his sister. He is such a delight to our entire family. His name means "God gives strength", which He certainly did give us as we followed Him through the waters of affliction. He has taken us to places we would not have chosen to go, but He has brought us blessings that would not have come by any other path.
And God is still faithful.
Wow, It's Been A (Loooooong) While!
It has been an incredibly long time since my last post. I will not apologize, excuse, or feel guilty for this. Life has been filled with challenges, sorrows, joys and blessings over the past couple of years. This blog, and my efforts at keeping it, deserve a fresh start in light of some exciting new ventures before our family. Stay tuned for more...
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